In our work with Astronomy Allies, there have been times that people have shared personal experiences that have left my jaw on the floor. I am flabbergasted at how much someone has put up with - not only the egregiousness of the situation, but also the bravery and mental fortitude of the targeted person. The amount of times I have heard “I didn’t think it was a big deal” as they recount horrors makes me nauseous. At the same time, listening to the strength of these young victims truly tells us what we are losing from the field. If the victims did not have to focus all of their mental energy on surviving, what could they be accomplishing? Greatness is the answer.

So it is time to change the script. Time to stand up and start the conversation with “I believe you.” and tell you all that there is someone you can talk to. It does not have to be me, it does not have to be someone listed on the Astronomy Allies page. It just has to be someone who starts the conversation "I believe you.”

xoJane [trigger warning] published a heart-wrenching piece written by a student and now postdoc who was raped by her Ph.D. supervisor. It details how things for her escalated, and it started with small tests to her boundaries that left her feeling uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable to set off alarm bells in her mind. So every incremental escalation was only slightly worse than the previous escalation. As if she were a frog sitting in a pot on a stove, he warmed the temperature up just slightly each time and before she knew it she was boiling.

I want to create a culture in astronomy where people are not afraid to talk to someone they trust the moment their hackles are up. The first test of the boundaries, the first comment about "Not just my research, but also my personality, style, and attitude.” These are not appropriate. We need to dismantle a culture that tells women that they need to sit down and be quiet. That every time they are uncomfortable, they are “overreacting” or they “need to man up if they want to stay in astronomy.” No. These moments, these relationships are costing us our talented future. We are allowing the predators in the dark to eat our young.

So I say this to you: I believe you. Telling me, you’re not at risk of “rocking the boat", and I don’t mind if you don’t think it is a big deal. Tell me your story. Because your gut is a good guide. Because if he made you uncomfortable, he has probably made others uncomfortable too.

And if you tell me? I will believe you. I promise I won’t betray your secret to others. I promise you that your story will always be within your control. I promise to do what is within my power to help you. Because that feeling in your gut counts. Because you are not “overreacting.” Because even though the system is set up to discount you, many of us are working within the system to change it, and we do believe you.